Sick and Tired...

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Ugh, I've been so so so sick all day long. From the moment I woke up, to as I'm typing this while laying in bed and watching "Dawson's Creek". Yes, I said "Dawson's Creek"... you going to judge me for you? I didn't think so (it's a very awesome show!)

You know what being sick and tired all day gets you? Thoughts.. lots and lots of thoughts.

I've been feeling really down and low about my weight. I cringe everytime I look in the mirror and  I sit there and pick apart each and every flaw I find with myself (which, trust me, is plenty). Yes, I realize that this isn't healthy, but I just can't seem to stop myself. I workout and I really try to watch what I eat, but I just don't feel like it's enough. The scale has sat still this past week and I don't FEEL any better about myself. I think what I'm missing is the motivation and encouragement to step up my game.

I've lost a lot of weight before and I had such willpower and drive to do so (and I also had an exercise partner) and I sometimes wonder where that girl went. I cant stand to look at pictures of myself and I really need to fix this before this spring when we have engagement pictures. I don't want to look back at our engagement pictures and wedding pictures and only see a fat girl staring back at me. I want to look at the pictures and remember how happy I was that day to be marrying my best friend.

Not only that, but I know that even being a year out till the wedding.. I feel like I don't have any support from anyone. I ask someones opinion on something or ask them a question and I hear "whatever you want, I'll do" or "I don't care".. to some brides that would be heaven. BUT when you're trying to ask, for example, your bridesmaids what they think about a dress you picked because you want them to feel comfortable or ask them if they would like their makeup done professionally or just do it themselves.. why is it so hard to get an answer?? Not only that, but I really don't have any help when it comes to wedding things. I haven't a clue what to do half of the time and if I ever try to ask someone, I get no response.. no help, nothing. It's just very disheartening, ya know?

But what can I do? I'll probably log off the computer after this post and snuggle up in my warm blankets and fall asleep to a "Dawson's Creek" episode and will myself to wake up tomorrow with a fresh perspective. I CAN lose weight by being my only motivator (I've already gone 3 weeks with no pop and no fast food). I CAN do wedding things alone.. if I ask for an opinion and get no response, then I'll choose what I want, they will have to live with it.

I'm not longer going to be a doormat for people and I'm not longer going to be a weak person.

It's time to get my butt in gear and make things happen.

You know.. when I feel like it. lol.